Once upon a time, I was an impulsive, carefree, down-to-earth nomad. A wild n'crazy on
e, I should add. People often asked me where I was headed to next or when I planned on settling down. The questions never fazed me. I always explained that my definition of ‘settle’ only meant I was needed in a place where I could be the most effective in utilizing my strengths, and once I was not needed, would un-aimlessly prepare for my next opportunity and purpose to ‘settle.’
I would proudly respond, “I just have a different definition of ‘settling down,’ it’s most important to be grounded in mind and spirit.”
OH, what a crock of shit I was. Or am.
Recently more than one person has either mentioned or inquired about my aura of eagerness to settle down. My immediate response is a defensive “pssh, yah right!” and then a lengthy repetitive rant justifying the “no!” with a bunch of contradictions.
“Well it’s because I’ve seen and done so much, I’m ready to settle down, but it’s because I’ve seen and done so much I just want to see the same faces every day, you know, have a tight community…I’m tired of meeting new people all the time…”
“Not really, I’m planning on doing a Fulbright in Taiwan, but it would be nice to settle down with someone, well only if they travel with me…I’m tired of traveling alone…”
“I’m thinking of getting a Phd at Berkeley, that way I can live in the bay and be close to my friends and family. I’m tired of starting over all over again…”
Then I realize, is it only when we’re tired that we want to ‘settle down’?
Before I would say: I am tired of depending on REI amenities, I prefer white cushy towels and down duvets. I am tired of communicating with hand signals and diagnosing strange bowel sounds. I prefer to crack jokes effortlessly and eat thoughtlessly. I am tired of attending funerals and attempting new strategies for successful hitch-hiking. I am tired of meeting/making out with strangers from multiple continents in different time-zones and then wishing we were in the same continent with the same time-zone.
But that was before. What am I tired of now? Am I still recovering? Have I not adequately rested?
I am tired. I am still tired of all those things and much much more. I don’t know how to rest or get away from this plague-of-tiredness. While abroad I thought - rather, foolishly ignorantly assumed - that once I reached U.S. soil I would not be experiencing any of those things. That the soil was ready (or could easily be prepped) for maximum growth. Thus, I would not be tired anymore. It’s dark, moist, nutrient-rich, English-speaking with yummy burritos and air-conditioned universities damnit. 
I was wrong. I am still tired. I am exhausted. So to answer those questions that are flooding and/or projected towards the single, ambitious woman approaching 30:
Yes, because I am tired, I would love to ‘settle down.’
...or maybe it’s simply because Tucson isn’t the right soil type for me…I will do some more composting and wait…
or just start planting to see what grows...I guess I'm not too tired to plant and not all that tired to wait...and try new things!!! ;)
