I need to pee. It is past midnight. It’s late considering the boys have ‘lights-out’ at 9:30pm. They are right across the hall from me. Two are sleeping in the hallway because of being new and having bad behavior. It’s funny because I get along with them the best. One I call Lucky Boy and the other, John.
I am supposed to give Lucky Boy a name soon. His Chinese name means more than “lucky.” It defines luck with political reference, towards bountiful winnings and upward mobility. How will I ever find a name that resembles that – even a little?
John is learning how to use imovie on my computer. Today he edited a video taken from yesterday’s break dancing class and today’s ping-pong activity. He wanted to add Taiwanese music but I had none so he settled for Jurassic 5’s, “Freedom.”
I need to pee but I am afraid I will wake them. More importantly, I am afraid of stirring them when delirious, running into them in the hallway – any chance that they might realize that I am seeing them when they are most intimate. Between sleep and wake, discerning and dreaming. I don’t know who I am here. A stranger? A mediator? A joker? A teacher? A friend? A girl with a bad haircut?
Because I don’t know, I am afraid. I fear that as I walk down the hallway, past their open door and John’s bamboo matt, through their space of intimate sleep, I the unknown may give reason for them to cast their fears and doubts, and mine as well – or worse, give place to new ones.
In December of 2004, I was filled with similar, stubborn fears, both physical and psychological. Bigger-picture insecurities translated to everyday, physical constraints. Early into my Peace Corps service, I was afraid to leave my bedroom, often dispensing in a bucket inside the room. Ironically 5 years later, again as a volunteer, I have with me an identical bucket – varying only in color (and purpose - it was given to me for hand-washing clothes.)
5 years later, I am very much the same, but with the hope of being a bit different. I will fearfully and boldly open the door and walk down the hallway, past their sleep. I thank God that this time, there is a chance to confront old fears and experience new ones.
I just may not flush.
I remember that pee bucket. There is something simple and profound about a pee bucket. It's crazy to think we flush our toilet with fresh water. FRESH WATER!!!! Something is inherently wrong with that? Where has our society gone? The search for ourselves, our purpose, and the "meaning of life" will always go on. I LOVE YOU JOY!!!!!
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