“President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize…”
The male voice on NPR cackled through the dangling antenna on my hand-me-down radio.
I immediately felt a wave of embarrassment and shock, thinking, “already, for what?” I always thought Nobel Prizes were for dedicated years to cancer research achievements or years of achievements in reconciling years of ethic wars. Either way ‘years’ and ‘achievements’ of something was involved. Don’t get me wrong - Mr. Obama is on my List-of-DateAble-Persons (after Janice Mirikitani and Dipti Desai but before Mike Chino) but his term and accomplishments have yet to come and have never equated to years – not even a single year!
Then I got to thinking about deserving.
8:13am and late for a meeting with my advisor, I loaded my bike basket and pulled the plug in time to hear the crackling, “The president is just about to give his speech in the Rose Garden…”
Damn School.
Riding over broken asphalt, peddling like a ‘crazy-asian-woman-late-for-a-research meeting-with her-advisor,’ I got to thinking about deserving. Who am I to say and think who deserves this and who deserved that. They don’t hand those out to anybody and this has gone on for over a hundred years - those Norwegians know what their doing…right?
Inside my advisor’s office, it took every effort inside me to sit still and not bounce up and down on the canvas saddle and shout, “did you hear, did you hear!? Obama won the Nobel Prize…what do you think about that?!!”
Instead, I steadied my gaze on the paper she was holding and allowed her words to ground my scattered 11pt. font questions. It didn’t last long. Soon after my thoughts floated up as I began fantasizing about doing summer research in Taiwan. Fully paid for of course. Yuummmmm…months of night-market food. Yummmmy...
I licked my lips.
“Joy.”
“JooOY, you have waaay to many questions, you need to focus on one. Take this one for example – ‘exploring apprenticeship models in indigenous arts,” this is an extremely lengthy process…”
Coming back down from the ‘Land of Amazing Food,’ I had to interrupt her, “I want to understand how art education can be more accessible to students in Tawian, yet as I begin to tackle it, all these other questions come up!!” (okay, I didn’t quite shout at her)
I went on with my main concern, “I feel like the way to address problems is to address systems, and understanding what is shaping art and visual culture in Taiwan today would help define the best approach to change the systems…BUT I understand it’s a huge feat, with huge mountains of huge cultural issues at stake – and who am I to address needs? I wasn’t even born there, I…”
Cutting me off, she responded “Dude (okay, she didn’t use dude) I get it, you are thinking of changing policies, you are thinking in terms of a leader – your research could take you there and they may want someone who thinks outside the box. Who says you can’t fill that role? You could be the Minister of Education in Taiwan or a superintendent…”
I blushed before she could finish. But...I haven't done anything yet...I could never have imagined. Dreamed. Fantasized, maybe…But Naw, I would never deserve that…
This is when it hit me.
Regardless of where I’m at, what I’ve done or not done, I deserve encouragement.
I deserve to feel capable amongst endless fears of inadequacy. As much as I feel that I am undeserving, I may very much deserve being awarded a Fulbright for potential research. I deserve a paid tuition.
But as much as I am so hard on myself, I deserve to be encouraged, praised and acknowledged. Awarded. I deserve to be worthy.
Here is a man. Just a man, with an incredible, un-imaginable weight on his shoulders. Not only did he inherit a tremendous burden, he has been attacked in every possible way, by every possible group of people. If being awarded helps him continue his efforts towards change - If being awarded helps him continue to hope and dream, which helps us hope and dream, so be it. Shit, those old, white Norwegians must know what they’re doing!
Dreaming, and even fantasizing is better than not-dreaming and not-fantasizing at all. I am almost certain, prior to today, Obama has dreamt of getting the Nobel prize once in his life. (I admit, so have I on my List-of-Achievables after "graduating fuckin graduate school" but before "live in a tree-house in Micronesia") Sure, true, yah, it could be a “little early” like the critics are saying. BUT EVERYONE DESERVES encouragement and acknowledgment when in pursuit for something greater (especially when the pursuit is from a GLOBAL perspective!!)
Even if it’s in the form of an award.
And even if it’s before the change that has yet to happen.
Regardless, he is hoping and dreaming and fantasizing and working towards peace and change.
and for that, he deserves The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.
I, on the other hand, deserve a $9 glass of South African Shiraz…
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