knowing 30

I wrote this in July 2012.
Before I knew I would leave the country for 7 months.

I left in February 2013.

I am 31 now, and
I don't know if I still know!

_______________________________

There’s a realization that hits the side of you face,

A realization mixed with so much clarity and confusion,

You turn your cheek, to be hit again – hopefully harder, sharper

so this time around there is less confusion.

You have come full circle.

When leaving feels like coming, and coming feels like going.

When places and spaces become options and choices,

Momentary feelings.

You opt out,

You choose ‘other’

You choose to go,

When leaving feels like a relief,

An adventure.

When you don’t remember the faces, but you remember the food.

When no country, no city, gives you that excitement and lingering curiosity.

But you remember that it used to.

You choose to stay.

When staying and saving, feels right.
When spending feels wrong, marvelous, frivolous, and painstakingly fun.

When the future includes mom and dad,

securing their comfort and safety, and nothing else.

iceland 9.7.2013

When you finally give yourself time to heal.

When you know exactly how to heal.

When you stop listening to others – and yourself.

When some say you are old,

And others say you are young.

When you’re annoyed to be carded

And surprised when you aren’t

When ‘5 years’ is for a minute

When a scenic drive feels like eternity.

When ailments and remedies are generously shared.

When you choose to live and celebrate life with and for others.

Birthdays. Weddings. Funerals. Births. Retirement parties.

When your shoulds’ become coulds.’

When mistakes don’t carry so much weight.

When mistakes, now – are a big fuckin deal.

When you have more patience for others,

But less for yourself.

When among life’s trials, aside from being present and aware,

You now know

There is not much you can do,

And there is not much left to say...

But maybe ask when and what else?